Things I’ve Learned From Watching My Daughter Grieve

I want to preface this by saying that I am not meaning to offend anyone, but I feel it is a good time to share what I have learned from grief.  I have learned many of these things from my mistakes this first year after the death of Stringer.  With that being said I want to help you learn from my ignorance.  

1.  Grief is horrible in which we all know – it can’t be sugar coated; you can’t put a positive spin on death
2. Grief is individualized, but yet some characteristics are present in all losses
3. Grief carries an emotional pain that you will not understand until you go through it
4. The word STRONG is not the best choice of words.  People who grieve aren’t lifting weights.  If anything they couldn’t lift one ounce if they tried.  They are just SURVIVING.  Most who grieve are hiding behind the strong persona 
5. Grief is uncomfortable for everyone.  The one who has lost and the one who is trying to be there, so at times there are no words.  It is ok to say I HAVE NO WORDS.
6. People tend to run from you when they don’t know what to say.  Instead of ignoring or running when you see them place your hand over your heart and shake your head.  
7. Speaking of words- when death happens it is almost like there is no memory.  People aren’t going to remember what you say at all.  I don’t have much memory of Jan- April 2020 (that can be a good thing)
8. Please oh please don’t say- they will get over it, you will move on, it just takes time, it will get better, they are healed, they aren’t in pain.  You NEVER get over grief and when someone dies part of you would rather have them still in a hospital bed than not with you.  And Yes, time goes by and you aren’t thinking every second of your loved one, it may have moved to every 5 minutes.  
9. We have all done this- Don’t show up the first two weeks and then move on.  Continue to check on those who grieve.  In this day and time we have a very easy way to communicate, quick and simple- text.  Oh and if they don’t respond don’t be offended.  Responding takes energy and at times they don’t have it.  Text and say first- no need to respond.  
10. Grief is tiring.  It is like you had a full battery and then wham you are on empty.  The grieving person needs to rest so when you visit don’t stay long and if you are taking care of someone grieving place a note on the door and say NO VISITORS AT THIS TIME.  It also takes energy to return a call or a text and think how many they are receiving, so if they don’t respond remember they are completely drained of their battery.  They are running on empty.
11. Grief changes sleeping patterns (our hours shifted to a bedtime of 2am)
12. You may do crazy things, but guess what?  Nothing is that crazy when you are grieving not even cleaning and vacuuming the attic at 1:30am
13. If the person grieving asks YOU to do something that means for YOU to do it.  They have entrusted you with a task.  They feel let down from the death don’t let them down again.  Do the task.
14. MY HUGE MISTAKE. Don’t try to fix it.  There is a difference in getting things that have to be done accomplished and trying to fix the death.  You cannot fix death.  They are not coming back.  
15. Let them talk and allow them not to talk.  Let them be on the couch with you and let them go to bed or sit alone.  Let it be loud or let there be silence.  Sometimes you want people and then sometimes you don’t.
16. Talk about their loved one.  This is huge.  The one thing is they don’t want you to forget their loved one.  Tell stories, laugh and cry it is all ok.  Even if it seems awkward or uncomfortable talk about them.
17. Let them know you grieve also.  For example the first Christmas don’t make it seem like you are going on with all the holiday plans and you are celebrating when they are still grieving.  HOLIDAYS ARE TOUGH.  You grieve too.  Tell them that you will join them in WHATEVER they want to do.  
18. Let them be mad!  Every person that grieves has to have someone to be mad at and if that is you gosh luv you.  You cannot take anything personal.  It doesn’t have anything really to do with you.  They are sad, mad, lonely and everything in between.  These emotions have to happen to have healthy grief.
19. Decision making is tough.  Plans are hard to make.  Let me explain something about this.  For example if they don’t want to finish the thank you notes that is ok.  Our grief counselor told me that when things are completed that is just another thing that is done.  It is another part over.  It is another disconnect from the one they loved.  So if they don’t get things done (and it is not something detrimental to them) it is ok.  And if you don’t receive a thank you note that is ok also.  All things don’t get written down correctly and things are being brought in at all times.  Grieving people are already confused.
20. Our counselor taught Lauren this:  When you are grieving you can dump out, but NO ONE can dump in.  Grief is so draining and during that time you cannot take on anyone else’s problems.  So if you have a friend who is grieving do not complain or gripe to them.
21. Ask before you do anything.  Grieving people like for things to be the way they were when their loved one was there.  Lauren still has Stringers last jar of peanut butter and his suitcase from the hospital hasn’t been opened.  It still has everything in it.  
22. Think ahead and do things that will make it easier on the one who grieves.  Laurens friends went and bought her dresses and shoes before the memorial service.  She didn’t have to look in her closest or go shopping herself.  Her friends did it for her.
23. Remember dates: birthday, anniversary, day of death, day they went into hospital etc.  Little dates and big dates- all are important.
24. If you are the people closest to the person who is grieving also remember grief is like shrapnel, it layers out.  You have to take care of you so you can take care of those who grieve.  Rest and rejuvenate.  
25. Believe it or not church is known to be one of the hardest places to return to after a death.  Go figure.  
26. Don’t compare unless it is really fitting to compare which is usually never is
27. Don’t ask, “Let me know what you need?”  State what you are doing (be specific) and then ask if it is ok? Examples:  I would love to run errands for you is that ok? I am going to the grocery store what do you need I’m going to pick up your groceries?
28. Keep doing and keep doing, days, months, years.  Send a text, a card.
29. Don’t push faith on them.  They probably know scripture, but saying it is God’s plan is probably not the right thing to say.  
30. Love much without understanding.  It is likely that everything that happens, every emotion that appears you won’t understand, but we all know about love.  So just love and love big.  

Grief is a rollercoaster that you can’t ride without having highs and lows, ups and downs.  These emotions will change within minutes, hours, or days.  All the twists and turns must happen to get to the other loop.  Grief changes us and we never get over it.  We carry it with us.  You will be broken in ways that you were never broken before.  You never go back to who you were it is who you become after the loss.  Do the best you can.  Greif makes you crazy.